The issue isn’t me.

For most of my life, I felt different. I grew up hearing that I was “too sensitive,” that I reacted too strongly, that I needed to “sit still” stop fidgeting, pay attention and try harder. My body was restless, my mind always moving, my emotions felt powerful, and I was trying super hard to fit in. When you repeatedly hear these messages and feel dismissed and misunderstood, you begin to internalise it.

You start thinking ‘I must fix myself’.  That was my experience.

I spent both my child and adult years feeling on the periphery, assuming that the discomfort meant I needed to change myself, rather than questioning whether the environment was ever right for me. 

So, I learned to copy. I mirrored the people I admired, the people who seemed to belong, the popular people, hoping that if I acted like them, I might finally feel like one of them.

It took until my ADHD was confirmed in my 40s to realise that the problem was never me. The problem was the environments, expectations, attitudes and structures around me that were never built with people like me in mind.

• The issue wasn’t my sensitivity, but a society that treats sensitivity as weakness.

• The issue wasn’t my creativity, but environments that made little room for divergent thinking, experimentation, or ideas that didn’t fit a standard mould.

• The issue wasn’t my intelligence, but a system that treats intelligence as something fixed and graded through compliance and memory recall.

• The issue wasn’t my strong emotions but people that lacked the capacity to respond to emotion with curiosity and understanding.

The narrow definition of what society tells you a “good student,” a “good professional,” or a “successful person” is doesn’t help.

And then there’s shame. 

• Shame for forgetting information in meetings.

• Shame for not being able to recall things “on the spot” like others.

• Shame for needing time to process.

• Shame for not immediately understanding.

• Shame for not coping with full time office-based work (pre-Covid).  I had nothing left when I got home due to sensory overload and as a single parent that was extremely hard.

And shame is destructive.  It eats your self-esteem.

But I now see that this shame isn’t a personal failing. It’s trauma from years of masking (pretending), years of forcing my brain to work in unnatural ways and years of trying to keep pace with my peers but failing to keep up.

Now, instead of shame, I’m developing compassion (work in progress). Instead of self doubt first, I’m working on confidence and this is giving me the ability to advocate for myself and others in ways I never could before.  It feels exposing but also liberating.

Learning is still a huge part of my life, but I’ve learned to do it my way. I listen to podcasts while walking at lunchtime and that movement helps information stick in a way that sitting at a desk never could. I learn through listening, curiosity, creativity, and connection. I learn by doing.

I feel more confident in my abilities now more than ever, even though the old shame regularly pops up, but then trauma doesn’t vanish overnight.  However, self-understanding gives me the tools to face it.

If I could speak directly to someone in the finance industry, someone who feels different, or out of place, or like they’re constantly trying to mould themselves into something they’re not, I’d say this:

• The issue isn’t you. It’s the environments that haven’t yet learned how to see the full brilliance of minds like yours. Don’t shrink to fit.

• Don’t choose the “sensible” option if it suffocates your spark.

• Don’t let anyone convince you that your sensitivity, creativity, fairness, or restlessness is a flaw. These might be your greatest strengths in disguise.

• Find environments that value the way you think. Seek out teams that celebrate difference and walk the talk (this is a huge benefit!).

• Learn in the way that works for you.

• And remember this: workplaces don’t succeed because everyone thinks and does the same, they succeed because people bring their authentic, beautifully different minds to the table.

And if I’ve learned anything, it’s this: the systems around us need to change, not us.

The issue was never me. And it’s not you either.

Thank you to Carla Henison for sharing this heartfelt story, that we hope has inspired you to find your place in this world. Find your place the world of insurance and investment by joining GAIN as an individual member at FOR INDIVIDUALS | GAIN Together